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The Simpsons: Chalkboard Gags

By Wikipedia

During the opening credits of many episodes of The Simpsons, Bart Simpson writes a unique phrase on the chalkboard. This is known as the chalkboard gag. In the early days of the series, a gag was used in almost every episode, but, as commercial time has increased, they have gradually disappeared. They are now shown as rarely as twice per season. The show's producers have said that they may soon sadly disappear altogether.

Our main article on The Simpsons is here.

Here is a season-by-season list of these opening chalkboards:

Season 1

  • I will not waste chalk
  • I will not skateboard in the halls
  • I will not burp in class
  • I will not instigate revolution
  • I will not draw naked ladies in class
  • I did not see Elvis
  • I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
  • Garlic gum is not funny
  • They are laughing at me, not with me
  • I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom

Season 2

  • I will not encourage others to fly
  • I will not fake my way through life
  • Tar is not a plaything
  • I will not Xerox my butt
  • It's potato, not potatoe (a reference to Dan Quayle's infamous misspelling of the word at an elementary school spelling bee)
  • I will not trade pants with others
  • I am not a 32 year old woman (a reference to Nancy Cartwright, the actress who provides the voice of Bart)
  • I will not do that thing with my tongue
  • I will not drive the principal's car
  • I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
  • I will not sell school property
  • I will not cut corners (followed by a line of ditto signs)
  • I will not get very far with this attitude
  • I will not make flatulent noises in class
  • I will not belch the National Anthem
  • I will not sell land in Florida
  • I will not grease the monkey bars
  • I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
  • I will not do anything bad ever again except leave big greenis on skinners head
  • I will not show off (written in Olde English style font)
  • I will not sleep through my education

Season 3

  • I am not a dentist
  • Spitwads are not free speech
  • Nobody likes sunburn slappers
  • High explosives and school don't mix
  • I will not bribe Principal Skinner
  • I will not squeak chalk (chalk is heard squeaking as he writes)
  • I will finish what I sta... (does not finish)
  • "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
  • I will not fake rabies
  • Underwear should be worn on the inside
  • The Christmas Pageant does not stink
  • I will not torment the emotionally frail
  • I will not carve gods
  • I will not spank others
  • I will not aim for the head
  • I will not barf unless I'm sick
  • I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
  • I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
  • I will not conduct my own fire drills
  • Funny noises are not funny
  • I will not spin the turtle
  • I will not snap bras
  • I will not fake seizures

Season 4

  • This punishment is not boring and pointless
  • My name is not Dr. Death
  • I will not defame New Orleans (an apology to the people of New Orleans after offending them through song in the previous episode)
  • I will not prescribe medication
  • I will not bury the new kid
  • I will not teach others to fly
  • I will not bring sheep to class
  • A burp is not an answer
  • Teacher is not a leper
  • Coffee is not for kids (each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scribble)
  • I will not eat things for money
  • I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
  • The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
  • I will not call the principal "spud head"
  • Goldfish don't bounce
  • Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
  • No one is interested in my underpants
  • I will not sell miracle cures
  • I will return the seeing-eye dog
  • I do not have diplomatic immunity
  • I will not charge admission to the bathroom

Season 5

  • I will never win a Logie (a reference to losing the Logie nomination for the Best Overseas Program category)
  • The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
  • All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy (a reference to The Shining)
  • I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
  • I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
  • My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man (a reference to The Fugitive)
  • I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
  • I am not delightfully saucy
  • Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
  • The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
  • I will not celebrate meaningless milestones (use for the 100th episode)
  • There are plenty of businesses like show business (a reference to the phrase "there's no business like show business")
  • I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
  • Five days is not too long to wait for a gun

Season 6

  • Beans are neither fruit nor musical
  • I will not use abbrev.
  • I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
  • I will not send lard through the mail
  • I will not dissect things unless instructed
  • I will not whittle hall passes out of soap (reference to Woody Allen in Take the Money and Run)
  • Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
  • Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
  • "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
  • power of attorney does not mean what I think it does (and in You Only Move Twice, episode 3F23, Bart is placed in a remedial class when it is revealed he cannot understand the teacher's cursive)
  • Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
  • I will not hang donuts on my person
  • I will remember to take my medication
  • I will not strut around like I own the place
  • The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
  • I do not have power of attorney over first graders
  • Nerve gas is not a toy
  • I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
  • The First Amendment does not cover burping
  • This is not a clue...or is it? (Mr. Burns is shot by a mysterious figure in this episode)

Season 7

  • I will not complain about the solution when I hear it (the solution to Who Shot Mr. Burns is revealed in this episode)
  • "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
  • No one wants to hear from my armpits
  • I am not a lean mean spitting machine
  • The boys room is not a water park
  • Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
  • Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
  • I will only do this once a year (a reference to clip shows)
  • I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
  • I am not certified to remove asbestos

Season 8

  • I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten (a spoof of the title of the book Everything I Need to Know, I Learnt In Kindergarten, by Robert Fulgham
  • I am not my long-lost twin
  • The truth is not out there (used in an episode parodying The X-Files)
  • I am not licensed to do anything
  • I will not hide the teacher's fire drill
  • A fire drill does not demand a fire

Season 9

  • I no longer want my MTV (a spoof of the "I want my MTV" slogan from the 80s; a reference to MTV's declining popularity in recent years)
  • Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story (a reference to the urban legend that Richard Gere was injured pursuing a deviant sexual practice involving a gerbil)
  • I did not invent Irish dancing
  • I will not tease Fatty
  • There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"
  • Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
  • Shooting paintballs is not an art form
  • Pain is not the cleanser
  • Silly String is not a nasal spray
  • I was not told to do this
  • My butt does not deserve a website
  • I will not demand what I'm worth (a reference to a salary dispute with the cast)
  • I will not mess with the Dalai Lama (appears as part of a couch gag with the rest of the family)
  • I am not the new Dalai Lama
  • I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" (aired three days after the last episode of Seinfeld)

Season 10

  • I will not file frivolous lawsuits
  • "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address (originally; was removed because actually exists as a porn site)
  • No one cares what my definition of "is" is (a reference to a quote said by former president Bill Clinton during the Lewinsky scandal)
  • I will not scream for ice cream
  • I am not a licensed hairstylist
  • "The President did it" is not an excuse (aired the day after Jerry Seinfeld was impeached)
  • My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
  • Sherri does not "got back" (a reference to the song "Baby Got Back" by music artist Sir Mix-a-Lot)
  • I will not do the Dirty Bird (a reference to the victory dance of the Atlanta Falcons)
  • No one wants to hear about my sciatica
  • Hillbillies are people too
  • Grammar is not a time of waste
  • It does not suck to be you
  • I cannot absolve sins
  • A trained ape could not teach gym
  • Loose teeth don't need my help
  • I have neither been there nor done that (reference to a Mountain Dew ad)
  • I'm so very tired

Season 11

  • Fridays are not "pants optional"
  • Pork is not a verb
  • I am not the last Don
  • I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
  • I won't not use no double negatives
  • I can't see dead people (a reference to the line "I see dead people" from the movie The Sixth Sense)
  • I will not sell my kidney on eBay (which, of course, someone did)
  • I will not create art from dung (a reference to an art exhibit that had a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with feces)
  • I will stop phoning it in
  • Class clown is not a paid position
  • Substitute teachers are not scabs
  • My suspension was not "mutual"
  • A belch is not an oral report
  • Dodgeball stops at the gym door
  • "Non-flammable" is not a challenge
  • I was not touched "there" by an angel (which refers to Michael Jackson)
  • I am not here on a fartball scholarship
  • I will not dance on anyone's grave
  • I cannot hire a substitute student
  • I will not obey the voices in my head

Season 12

  • I will not plant subliminal messagore (bold text was in green; a reference to a sleazy Republican TV spot during the 2000 US Presidential Election where "RAT" quickly appeared on screen as a subliminal message)
  • I will not surprise the Beatle
  • I am not the acting president
  • I was not the sixth Beatle
  • I will only provide a urine sample when asked
  • The nurse is not dealing
  • Science class should not end in tragedy
  • Network TV is not dead
  • I will not "let the dogs out"
  • I will not hide the teacher's medication
  • I will not publish the principal's credit report
  • The hamster did not have "a full life"
  • I will not buy a presidential pardon (a reference to controversial pardons granted by Bill Clinton on his last day in office, many of them allegedly connected to contributions to his campaign)
  • "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap (referencing the controversy surrounding the show)
  • I will not scare the vice president (reference to Dick Cheney's heart conditions at the time this episode was seen)
  • I will not flush evidence
  • Fire is not the cleanser
  • Genetics is not an excuse
  • Today is not Mothra's day (this episode aired on Mother's Day)
  • I should not be twenty-one by now (references how the Simpsons don't age)

Season 13

  • Nobody reads these anymore
  • A burp in a jar is not a science project
  • Fun does not have a size
  • I am not Charlie Brown on acid (a reference to "South Park", which the creators described as "Peanuts" on acid)
  • I do not have a cereal named after me (at the time this episode aired, Bart actually did have a cereal named after him)
  • I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers (a reference to the old Butterfingers commercials featuring the Simpsons)
  • The giving tree is not a chump (a reference to The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein)
  • Making Milhouse cry is not a science project
  • Vampire is not a career choice
  • I will never lie about being cancelled again (refers to internet rumors that The Simpsons was to be cancelled)

Season 14

  • Fish do not like coffee
  • Milhouse did not test cootie positive
  • This school does not need a "regime change"
  • SpongeBob is not a contraceptive
  • I will not (Bart then chops up the chalkboard with an axe)
  • My pen is not a booger launcher
  • Sandwiches should not contain sand

Season 15

  • Over forty & single is not funny
  • I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be

Season 16

  • Poking a dead raccoon is not research
  • Beer in a milk carton is not milk
  • A booger is not a bookmark
  • I will not put tacs on the teachers' chairs
  • I am not too ill for a test
  • I have never seen Principal Skinner in a padlocked closet

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Season One, Season Two, Season Three, Season Four, Season Five, Season Six


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Aired: December 17, 1989 -

Cast: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Harry Shearer

Network: FOX

Genre: Cartoon

Theme songSoundtrack

Spinoff of: The Tracy Ullman Show

Image courtesy of FOX

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This article is licensed under the GNU Free Documentation License.
It uses material from this Wikipedia article, which is probably more up to date than ours (retrieved August 12, 2005).

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