The Simpsons: Chief Wiggum

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Chief Clancy Wiggum (voiced by Hank Azaria) is a fictional character from the TV show The Simpsons.

Wiggum is the archetype of a dopey doughnut-eating cop, who is also not overly concerned with constitutional rights, being pushed to absurd levels. He has pig-like facial figures (pig being a common epithet directed toward police officers). Wiggum once complained that Sideshow Bob once called him "Chief Piggum." He is disturbingly uninformed on several issues ("Some Chinese people claimed they were celebrating New Year's in February... good food though.") and flaunts his power, albeit with good intentions most of the time. He does not get along well with Mayor Quimby. He is generally incompetent, but is often assisted by his more intelligent (but still quite lazy and often rather cocky) "top (and only) cops" Lou and Eddie who usually accompany him.He also exhibits a great lack of knowledge of Springfield's laws and also quotes sayings from the police handbook which cannot actually be found in the book ('like the book says, if you can't beat them ,join them'). His early attempts to get into the Police Force were unsuccessful on account of his asthma, so he took a job as a security guard for C. Montgomery Burns. Wiggum was present in one of Burns's laboratories when Mona Simpson sabotaged his germ experiments. Wiggum inhaled the fumes, which had the pleasant side affect of curing his asthma, but had no affect whatsoever on his acne. This allowed him to pursue his ambition to become a professional police officer. Clancy's voice is based on that of Edward G. Robinson.

Wiggum does not use his police handgun in a safe manner, nor is he a very good shot with his handgun. There are many examples of his abuse. These include:

• Firing into a cloud on a city street.
• When Joan Rivers told a joke about him over the TV, he attempted to shoot out the TV screen by firing his gun three times. The shots all missed, but woke up his wife, who said, "Clancy, use the remote."
• Using his handgun to crack open nuts, then firing his gun at a nut when he was unable to crack open the shell of that nut.
• Attempting to shoot the Third Dimension.
• Using a shotgun to shoot a piņata, but with a blindfold: "Am I getting warmer?"
• At the wedding of Sideshow Bob and Selma Bouvier, he left his handgun on the table with the wedding cake.
• In Treehouse of Horror 15, he lent his handgun to Homer instantly upon request.

Wiggum's incompetence is brilliantly showcased in Homer's Triple Bypass. In a parody of FOX's Cops, Wiggum investigates a cattle rustler and uses a tank to knock down the suspect's door ... only to find he has the wrong house. The occupant, Rev. Lovejoy, is very angry, especially since the cattle are in the neighbor's yard. Snake, the suspect that Wiggum is after, is able to make a clean getaway; Wiggum fails to give a coherent description of Snake or his direction of travel. ("The suspect is hatless! Repeat, hatless!")

Wiggum also fails to comply with his police duties in a real emergency. In one episode, he refused to believe calls from people saying that an elephant (Bart's pet elephant Stampy) destroyed their property. After two calls, he thought a call reporting a "liquor store robbery in progress, officer down" was also a fake call. In another episode he mocks people who come in to report crimes to him by telling them he will "write on his invisible typewriter". This includes a man with a lighter saying "I just torched a building down town and I'm afraid I'll do it again"

Quotes

• Fightin' crime is not my cup of tea.
• Book 'em, boys.
• This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
• Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the ... uh ... what cures cancer?
• Well let me ask you this: shut up.
• (answering a 9-1-1 call) Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1... 2.
• I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
• Marge: (on radio) Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.
  Chief Wiggum: Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.
• Chief Wiggum: (on phone) Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.
  Marge: Oh my god! He's dead?
  Chief Wiggum: Oh, I'm sorry. He was DUI. I get those two confused.
• Okay folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my god! A horrible plane crash! Hey everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around!
• Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum. (laughs) Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.
• Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
  Marge: That's your hat.
  Lou: She's good, chief.
• Well, will you look at that. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purpose of gambling.
• They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.
• Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
  Man: Enough with the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?
  Chief Wiggum: I told you. You don't get your gun until you tell me your name.
• I've had it up to here with your 'rules'.
• Ooh, and here, out of the mists of history, the legendary Esquilax, a horse with the head of a rabbit... and the body, of a rabbit.
• Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls ... two, I suppose.
• Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be "policing" the entire city!
• Scum! Freezebag!
• Bake 'em away, toys.

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