The Simpsons: Comic Book Guy
Jeff Albertson (known as "Comic Book Guy" or CBG)
is the proprietor of "The Android's Dungeon", a local comic book
shop, in the animated series The Simpsons. Voiced by Hank Azaria, the fat,
hirsute, surly character is known for his sarcastic quips to customers. He
holds a master's degree in folklore and mythology (He translated Lord of
the Rings into Klingon as part of his thesis). His catchphrase is the
declaration "Worst. _____. ever.", which is usually delivered
with slight pauses between each word, and an emphasis on the
"ever." His other, but rarely used catchphrase is "Best.
____. ever." Both phrases (along with varations of the quotes) are
very popular on Internet message boards. Comic Book Guy is said to be
mocking of certain Simpsons fans who would race to the Internet to
criticize the producers and writers of an episode and declare such episode
to be the "Worst Episode Ever."
A noted science fiction buff, Albertson has a bumper sticker that reads
"MY OTHER CAR IS THE MILLENNIUM FALCON", given to him by a
Harrison Ford-lookalike. His license plate — on his American Motors
Gremlin — is NCC-1701, the registry number of Star Trek's USS
Enterprise. The contents of his display case include, among other
oddities, a photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore, and a very rare
Mary Worth in which she has advised a friend to commit suicide. He wears
prescription pants, and in the 14th Halloween episode revealed he had a
"Jabba the butt" tattoo in the appropriate place. He also owns a
T-shirt that says "C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN" which is a
computing joke referring to the Dick and Jane series of books, from which
mid-20th-century American schoolchildren learned to read and which
contained the words "See Spot. See Spot Run. Run, Spot, Run." It
also refers to something that could be typed at the command prompt of the
DOS (Disk Operating System) and is pronounced as "See DOS. See DOS
run. Run DOS run."
is a fan of the comic strip Hi & Lois. His store contains a section
full of illegal videos (which include Mr. Rogers drunk, a top secret
American nuclear war strategy, and local news reporter Kent Brockman
picking his nose). He once had to give up the Ultimate Belt (which he won
as a doorprize at the Star Trek Convention) because he had "no use
for a medium sized belt." He was a virgin well into his forties. At
one time he was romantically involved with Principal Skinner's mother
Agnes; later, he dated Skinner's fiancée, Edna Krabappel. Comic Book Guy
was once married, in an online fantasy game. He and his Internet wife were
thinking of having children, but that would have severely drained his
power crystals. He is said to be a virgin and while proposing his plans to
limit breeding to once every seven years (no doubt a reference to the
Vulcan blood fever of mating, called Pon Farr), commented that this would
be "much much more" for him.
- In an old interview, Matt Groening stated that Comic Book Guy's
original name was Louis Lane (a play on "Lois Lane"). A
long-running gag on the show was never to reveal the character's name,
with other characters referring to him as "Comic Book Guy."
The gag concluded on the February 6, 2005 episode, when he told Ned
Flanders that "my name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me
Comic Book Guy."
- I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense
the insults rather than absorb them.
- I am interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud connection to a 1.5
megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router
that's compatible with my Token Ring Ethernet LAN configuration?
- Once again, my underwear has become entangled in a cowcatcher.
- Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash
register at this point.
- (considering a "gag" disembodied hand) The gag I
would give a D+. As for the workmanship on the hand... (Suddenly,
the hand runs down CBG's back and gives him a wedgie) Ooh! That's
not right! (Audience laughs) You mocking me? Oh, that
is rich. (The hand wedgies him harder, tugging him right off the
stage. He lands on a rack of wizard hats, two of which stick to his
chest.) Stop your laughing! You're all banned! (Takes the hats
off his chest) Banned, I tell you!
- Dating service clerk: (to Ned Flanders, referring to
contact ad videos) And if you're desperate, there's always the
"one night only" bin.
Comic Book Guy: The bin is spoken for.
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the videos will be enough.
- Are you the creator of Hi and Lois? Because you are making me laugh.
||The Simpsons on